Why Smart, Ambitious Women Struggle to Say No—And How to Fix It
Why We Keep Saying 'Yes'—Even When We're Drowning
Ever Feel Like You're Everyone’s Go-To Person?
A few years ago, during a big night out with friends, I saw something that hit me hard. My friend Paula—a brilliant chef, a powerhouse in the kitchen—was doing what she always did: saying yes to everyone. Need food? Paula’s got it. Need help? Paula’s already on it. She was exhausted, running on empty, but still agreeing to every single request thrown her way.
Sound familiar? Maybe you know someone like this. Maybe you are that person—the one who automatically jumps in, takes over, and helps out, no matter how drained you feel. And the worst part? People start expecting it. They don’t even realise they’re piling on because you’ve trained them to believe you can handle it. But at what cost?
The Wake-Up Call: My 'Jiminy Cricket' Experiment
That night, I decided to step in. I told Paula I was going to be her Jiminy Cricket, her boundary coach in real-time. Every time someone asked her for something, I’d give her a little pinch—a physical cue to pause before defaulting to “yes.” Instead, she’d say, “Let me get back to you on that.”
And guess what? No one stormed off. No one cut her out of their life. She took her time, thought before committing, and—shocker—nothing fell apart.
This got me thinking: Why is it so damn hard to say no? And why do some of us struggle with it more than others?
The Trap of 'Human Giver Syndrome'—Why Some of Us Struggle More
If you constantly feel like you should be helping, giving, saying yes, even when you're running on fumes, there’s a reason for that. It’s not just how you were raised. It’s systemic.
The term Human Giver Syndrome was first introduced in 2017 by feminist philosopher and author Kate Manne, and is extensively described in Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny. Emily and Amelia Nagoski later expanded on this concept in their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle,—the idea that some people (especially women) are conditioned to believe their primary purpose is to serve others. Always accommodating. Always available. Always self-sacrificing.
And here’s the kicker: The more you give, the more people expect from you. It becomes a cycle of endless output with zero reciprocity.
But let’s be clear—this isn’t about turning into some cold, unhelpful person. This is about knowing when to say no so you don’t completely burn out.
The Neuroscience of Saying 'No'—Why Your Brain Fights It
Saying “no” isn’t just about willpower—it’s literally your brain fighting against you.
Your prefrontal cortex (the rational part) knows you need to protect your time and energy. It’s the CEO of your brain, assessing long-term consequences and making logical decisions.
Your limbic system (the emotional part) is wired for survival and social bonding. It detects rejection as a potential threat, triggering a stress response.
Your anterior cingulate cortex—the part of your brain responsible for detecting conflict—lights up when faced with a difficult decision, making you feel uneasy about pushing back.
The result? You experience an internal tug-of-war between logic and emotion, which makes saying no feel far more stressful than it should be., which makes saying no feel far more stressful than it should be.
And here’s where it gets even more interesting…
Oxytocin—The 'Love Hormone' That’s Keeping You Stuck
Ever wonder why saying yes—even when you don’t want to—feels easier than saying no? Blame oxytocin.
This is the same hormone that floods your system when you hug someone, fall in love, or bond with a newborn. It makes us feel connected, safe, part of the group.
So when you say yes to someone, your brain gives you a mini hit of oxytocin. But when you consider saying no? Your oxytocin drops—and that feels bad. Your brain misreads this as social rejection, making you second-guess yourself.
The result? You keep saying yes, even when it drains you.
The Habit Loop Hack—Retraining Your Brain to Say 'No'
The good news? You can rewire this response. Neuroplasticity—your brain’s ability to change—means that with practice, saying no can actually feel good.
How to Break the 'Yes' Cycle:
Pause Before Responding → When someone asks for something, take three seconds before answering. This interrupts the automatic “yes” response. Instead, try: “Let me get back to you on that” or “Let me think for a sec” if you're face-to-face.
Use a Confident Response → Instead of over-explaining, keep it simple: “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the bandwidth right now.”
Acknowledge Your Win → Instead of feeling guilty, remind yourself why you set the boundary in the first place. Think: "I protected my time and energy. That’s a win."
With consistent practice, your brain will start to associate saying no with relief instead of guilt.
Your Boundaries, Your Rules—Time to Take Control
Here’s the truth: If you don’t set boundaries, other people will set them for you.
This isn’t about being difficult or selfish—it’s about protecting your energy so you can actually show up for the things (and people) that matter.
So the next time someone asks you for something, pause. Take a breath. And remind yourself:
➡️ Saying “no” isn’t rejecting someone—it’s choosing yourself.
People respect clear boundaries more than you think.
➡️ You don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting your time.
Are You at Risk of Burnout? Find Out in Minutes
If you find yourself constantly overwhelmed, stretched too thin, or struggling to set boundaries, you may be at risk of burnout.
Take my free Burnout Risk Quiz to understand where you stand and get personalised insights on 8 key areas of your life—in only 5 minutes!
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References
Funahashi, S. (2017). Prefrontal Contribution to Decision-Making under Free-Choice Conditions. Frontiers in Neuroscience.
Nagoski, E. & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Ballantine Books.
Sapolsky, R. (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. Holt Paperbacks.
Zak, P. J. (2012). The Moral Molecule: The Source of Love and Prosperity. Dutton.